Tag: bloganuary

Bloganuary

Because I’m happy…

Alexandra Diane

Depression is a strange thing. For the last month and a half, I have not enjoyed living with myself. I headed to a deep dark place within myself and I didn’t know how to get out. Throughout the day, I was going through the motions, but I was empty inside. I stopped doing my hair. I didn’t care about what I would wear, something was just off. I was quick to anger and my patience was thin. There were times where I wished I could escape myself or lock myself away from all those who I care about so no one would become a victim to my darkness and rage. 

When the new year came, I decided enough was enough. I needed to break the cycle. I didn’t know how, but I figured I could put my energy into something. So I decided to write. I participated in WordPress’s bloganuary, writing on whatever topic they put forward. It was perfect. It got me out of my head and focused my energy into something other than my negative emotions. Even if it was just for a few hours, it was the escape I needed. I could have worked on polishing my manuscript, but I didn’t want to reflect on the negative. Ripping apart my work would not help me feel better. It probably would have allowed the darkness to have a stronger hold. 

Then yesterday, out of nowhere, I woke up, and the darkness had melted away. I felt lighter and more like myself. It’s just strange how one day you wake up and that filling that had been holding you down for so long is gone. Even though it was a relief, it felt like something was missing. However, I was glad for it to be gone. When I got to work, I straightened my hair. One of my students came in and asked if I did something different. I told her “I just straightened it.” and she said “Well it looks really good.” 

My emotions fluctuate throughout the day. A student had a breakdown because others were rude to her. My heart breaks for her sometimes and her emotions usually drag me down with her. But I could keep an even keel. Another student brought me his editing project, and it was so good. I was so proud of him because something just clicked. His work throughout the year had been meh at best. However, yesterday, he sat for the entire class focused on his work. I don’t give out praise easily. It has to be earned from me. And yesterday I could not stop complimenting him on all his hard work. He turned bright red from smiling so hard. The student sat down next to his classmate and told her, “She likes it!” 

Emotions are a fickle beast. I don’t know how long this happy wave will last. But I plan on enjoying it. Life is too short to waste it feeling miserable. 

Writing

Do what terrifies you

Alexandra Diane
Bloganuary writing prompt
What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?
View all responses

I’ve taken bold steps like skydiving, leaving my old life behind to live in a foreign country where I didn’t speak the language, and transitioning my career from something I’ve done since I was fifteen years old – to teaching teenagers. However, I find nothing as terrifying as sharing my writing with the world. If skydiving takes a wrong turn, I’m dead. If living in a foreign country doesn’t work for me (which it really, really, really, didn’t) I could just return home. And my students will eventually graduate, leaving whatever memories of me to just that, memories. But when I bare my heart and soul into my work, I am leaving myself exposed to criticism from the world. I am allowing strangers a chance to read my work and comment on what I’ve shared. 

Growing up, I would write short stories and scripts. I didn’t know how to write in proper screenplay format, but that didn’t stop me. I would warn whoever read my work that I was still learning, and they were my friends. They didn’t know any better. But something happened when I reached college. I still wrote as an escape, especially from math class, but I stopped sharing my work with nearly everyone. I went from sharing my work with anyone who had an email address to just a very select group of people. I became terrified of two things: 

  1. People not liking my writing and telling me it was trash.
  2. I didn’t want anyone to know I had severe dyslexia. 

I was an awful speller and had atrocious grammar. Part of me feels that the public school system failed me. However, after working in the system, I know it did, but it wasn’t the teachers’ fault. So much red tape ties their hands that it is nearly impossible for them to actually teach. But that is a story for a different day. I didn’t become secure with my writing until I graduated from college. Even then, I had to break out of the technical academic writing and return to the creative style I love most. 

My biggest breakthrough was working with my writing life partner that I’ve tortured for nearly the last decade. We would spend hours going over my work in google docs. Watching him live, edit my writing, and explain what I’ve done wrong was better than any degree I could have achieved. He helped me understand the points that I missed in school. I’m sure they were taught at some point, but my young brain didn’t absorb the information. Another thing he did was tell me when my work was trash. But he didn’t just say, “Alex, this is shit.” He would say, “Alex, this is shit because….” and we would work on expanding and correcting the issues. Our edit sessions have whittled because of time as we have grown older. Kids have gotten in the way of my hobbies. He, apparently, has something called a life. However, he has not been released from his blood oath of helping me finish my work 🙂 

Time, care, and attention is what pushed me through my darkest moments as a writer. I’ve learned time and time again that the masses may not enjoy my work. However, I learned to appreciate those who like my work. Maybe one day I’ll be a famous author. Maybe I won’t. But I won’t let my fears trap me again. 

Writing

The Art of Complaing

Alexandra Diane
Bloganuary writing prompt
What do you complain about the most?
View all responses

I read today’s prompt in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep. I thought of a thousand things that I have complained about in my life, but none I wanted to write about. Instead, I thought of the why. Why do we waste our energy complaining? What is the benefit of speaking about things that upset us and make us uncomfortable, and that’s when it hit me? If no one complained, nothing would get changed. 

Twenty years ago, when I was diagnosed with celiac, the food was awful. Nearly every food blog or message board about celiac disease brought up the problem. Not only was most of the food hardly editable, it was impossible to go out to eat. Most restaurants trivialized the autoimmune disease. The rollout was slow, but as more people drew attention to the subject, the availability of delicious gluten-free foods increased. Restaurants have become proactive with their menus and some have put forth an effort into controlling cross contamination. 

While complaining can get roads fixed or spread awareness about problems going on in a community. It allows those who may be unaffected by a problem to become aware of a situation at hand. However, this can also cause issues within itself. 

Sometimes the squeaky wheel is just that…squeaky. 

Twitter, or X as it has been rebranded but not really adopted, perfectly exemplifies a dumpster fire of people complaining over things that don’t really matter. People complain about actresses in children’s movies. They fight over politics, and not about local government that they can actually effect. No, they bitch and moan over who has the best horrible candidate out there. Social media has taken complaining to a new level. One where everyone feels entitled to lament over their miniscule problems. 

If you can’t tell, I was just complaining there 😉 

But I don’t see any problem complaining to friends and family. Sometimes venting is the only thing that keeps us from exploding on those who may deserve it but can’t handle the response. Sometimes we need that outlet to share our feelings. There are many who think just because you may complain, it means you don’t care. But obviously, you care enough about something to bring about your disinterest in it. 

Bloganuary

Go Sports

Alexandra Diane

What are your favorite sports to watch and play?

I am not a competitive person. However, growing up, my parents required me to participate in a sport. I wasn’t graceful enough for land sports, instead; I lived in the water. Sometimes I wondered if I would transform into a mermaid, but mermaids cannot survive in chlorine. I was a competitive swimmer from the ages of 5 to 18 years old. However, I wasn’t a sprinter; I am too tiny for that! But I could swim forever and my coaches would take advantage of that fact. By the time I reached high school, I no longer wanted to compete. I just wanted to practice. My coaches would tease me. Every time a meet was coming up they would ask me what event I wanted to sign up for, and I would say that one where I don’t leave my bed. I appreciate them allowing me to just come and swim. As an adult, that is what the master teams are, people just swimming. I don’t have time for that yet. But if there is any chance for me to participate in a sport, it will probably have to have a connection to being a mermaid. 

For watching sports, I’m pretty basic. I enjoy watching football, college or professional. I can enjoy the NBA either on television or in person. And until recently, I could only enjoy watching a baseball game live and the beautiful outdoors. Now that I have grown to appreciate the sport, I can watch baseball on TV. I don’t mind watching hockey on the TV but I’d much rather watch it in person. There’s something about hearing them slam into the walls and yell at each other that just doesn’t translate well to television.

There are two sports I can’t watch on TV but absolutely love watching in person, golf and polo. Polo is about the atmosphere and seeing people. It’s about the food and the party that goes on and the 15 seconds of the horse race. And on the opposite end of the spectrum is golf. Golf is way too slow to watch on television and I get jealous of everybody being outdoors in a beautiful location. So that is why I cannot wait for the Honda classic this year. I know they renamed it, but there’s a 95% chance I’ll never call it the new name.

I don’t enjoy playing tennis or watching it. All I can remember from my lessons as a child is my tennis instructor telling me that if God intended me to fly, he would have given me wings. I remember questioning the man and wondering why he would hit the ball so high over my head and one jump to reach it and we got yelled at. Part of me thinks he hated children.

I don’t mind playing pool, but I have to be with a group of friends that I like. However, most of my memories playing pool are of a dear friend who committed suicide. It’s hard to enjoy it since it brings back memories of him. I won’t watch people play it on television. I think I can just leave pool in my twenties.

Some people consider bowling a sport, while others don’t. And I don’t. It has nothing to do with the fact that I absolutely suck at it. I can have bumpers along the lanes and somehow I will still get a gutter ball. Although I am very good at Wii sports bowling.

But if I had the choice, I would rather watch sports live. There’s just something about being caught up in the energy of being at an arena or stadium. Also, it doesn’t hurt that I live in Florida and I’m blessed to watch most sports outdoors since the weather here is perfect.

Bloganuary

My TBR List

Alexandra Diane
Bloganuary writing prompt
What books do you want to read?
View all responses

Good lord this is a loaded topic. I might as well attach my GoodReads account instead of listing out all. Instead of listing books I want to read, I’ll give you my top five authors I’d like to read more of.

  1. J. L. Jackola: I started following Jackola on twitter and watched her journey as a writer. I am not sure if I found her books first or discovered them because of her tweets. Whichever came first. It doesn’t matter because I am addicted to her books. The Unbound Prophecy trilogy hooked me. Even though there was nearly no spice, I didn’t need it. The love between Violissa and Sinow was more than enough to keep me reading through the other 11 other books related to the prophecy.
  2. Elise Kova: After going through my GoodReads account, I figured out that I have read 22 of Kova’s books and discovered I have six more books to read. The romances that Kova can create mixed in with detailed high fantasy worlds are one of my absolute favorites. Also, it helps that she is a Florida author and I want to support all my Florida people. 
  3. Sylvia Mercedes: I have read 11 of Mercedes’ books and have to read 19 more of her books. Her FMC’s are badass women who kick ass. I enjoy reading the wild adventures and epic journeys she takes her characters on.
  4. L.J. Andrews:  The Broken Kingdoms’ fantasy viking series hooked me on L.J. Andrews books. I have read 7 out of the 9 books in the series and am trying to find room on my kindle to add the last two. I know once I have completed those books I’ll have to dive deep into Dragon Mage, The Djinn Kingdom, or The Lost Relic series.
  5. Demi Winters: Demi Winters is a new author that I discovered on social media. Her viking, fantasy romance kept me up a few nights because I did not want the story to end. I am eagerly awaiting her second book of the Ashen series.

Bloganuary, Mommy Blogs

Family Traditions

Alexandra Diane
Bloganuary writing prompt
Write about a few of your favorite family traditions.
View all responses

Today’s prompt left me thinking. The task was to write about family traditions, and I struggled to identify what truly was a tradition for my family, the one I created or grew up in. I have friends who spend Christmas day going to the beach to visit the Christmas tree they  set up the night before. I know those who will do an amazing Eggmpics on Easter Sunday. But when I think about my family, I don’t see such wild outlandish events. I know family traditions are not solely about the holidays; however that’s all I can focus on right now. 

I look back at growing up and think about how most holidays are organized around my dad working them. For Thanksgiving, we never ate early. It would genuinely be Thanksgiving Dinner, not a strange linner/brunch thing. My dad would always be home for 4th July. Which was fantastic since my mom did not like lighting off fireworks. She was paranoid we would all explode and die. That is a reasonable fear for a mother to have because I have that now when I watch my tiny pyromaniacs. Opening presents on Christmas day varied each year depending on the day it fell on and what schedule my dad was working. 

But now that I reflect on how my life was organized, growing up, I see that the tradition wasn’t an elaborate display. My family tradition is and has been to value time. It doesn’t matter if it was a hobby, sport, or a career, our parents taught us to put effort into what we do. Wasting our time was not something we did. Time was valuable because there was so little of it. My parents worked hard to provide for us and worked harder, making my brother and I know how loved we were. Family time, of value, was something that my parents stressed. They both grew up in broken families. My mom’s bio-father left when she was in middle and was blissfully absent after her teenage years. My dad’s parents divorced. While my grandmother raised four crazy boys in the north, my grandfather served in the marines and later became a border patrol agent, stationed all over the US. But when my parents became adults they settled states away from their family. The connection broken. All that was left were each other and eventually me and my brother. 

I see this reflected in how my husband and I are raising our kids. When we are not working, we are inseparable. Particularly, because I’m super needy, and lucky to have a husband who doesn’t mind my attention. However, we love spending time with each other. We enjoy many of the same hobbies, share the same taste in music, but we are also comfortable in the silence of each other. With our children, we embrace their hobbies and try to encourage them to seek what brings them happiness. We try not to push our ideas on them however; we guide them into putting the best effort in whatever it is they’re doing. My husband and I want our children to appreciate the time someone spends with them and how they use their own time. Because we can’t get it back. 

Writing

Leisure Time

Alexandra Diane
Bloganuary writing prompt
What do you enjoy doing most in your leisure time?
View all responses

When I read today’s prompt, I laughed. What do you enjoy doing most in your leisure time? And I asked myself, what leisure time? The time when I am watching my daughter play softball, or when I chase my smallest around the baseball park while his older brother is on the field with his dad practicing. Or is it when I am helping my husband cook, cleaning up after he cooks, or picking up the house after the kids go to bed? Maybe they meant that small window where parents fit in with their attention to each other and this thing called hobbies.

Although there is something that I sneak away to do. My husband doesn’t mind. He knows the moment I have a book to entertain myself with and he has time to play video games uninterrupted. I love disappearing in the pages of a good book. I bring my kindle everywhere, taking any chance I can get to escape into a different world. Sometimes I need it because I have to reset my way of thinking. When I am having trouble diffusing my frustrations, I pull out my book and separate myself from the problems at hand. 

I will sacrifice a long, hot shower to have five more minutes to read. Sleep will be lost as one more chapter is gained. I don’t know why books have been my place of solace when I cannot produce images in my mind. I would think that movies or tv shows would captivate me more. But sometimes I’ve turned off what I am watching and read a book that I’m not really into. Maybe it’s because the written word dives deeper than a film/tv show could ever do. I love the details and inner works of the characters. Finding out what drives them and relating them to myself. I see myself in a relationship that is supposed to only exist in a fancy novel.

So what do I enjoy doing most in my leisure time…. Reading, without a doubt reading. 

Bloganuary

The Other Florida

Alexandra Diane
Bloganuary writing prompt
Name an attraction or town close to home that you still haven’t got around to visiting.
View all responses

I spent a lot of my twenties day tripping to theme parks and drinking around the world. There was a part of me that wanted to enjoy things I felt like I missed out on as a kid. Now I look back and think about all the natural wonders I could have explored. My parents took us all over the state, embracing what Florida offered outside of Disney and Universal. My father brought my brother and me to the Navy Seal Museum, the Mel Fisher treasure coast, and one I can’t remember the name of. It was a hanger that had WWII planes, military uniforms from the war and a soda jerk. 

Florida is a massive state. It would be impossible to go explore every beautiful place and keep a steady job. When most people think of the sunshine state, they automatically think of Disney World (the best Disney), Miami, and the Keys. However, Florida has so much more to offer. There are many other attractions to explore, like warm mineral springs, to beautiful botanical gardens, equestrian trails, historical war museums and delicious hole in the wall mom and pop restaurants along the way. 

An attraction that I have been interested in recently isn’t just one place, it’s a natural wonder found throughout the more northern and central location of the state. I would like to explore Florida, more specially the underwater caves. It seems out of place to be attracted to fresh water. I have spent my life avoiding bodies of freshwater because of alligators and snakes that live in them. But diving into crystal clear water and exploring a different world is incredibly enchanting. 

Teaching, Writing

Well, I’m not okay.

Alexandra Diane

Hormones and body dysmorphia is fun.

When your brain thinks it’s still in its twenties but you’re closer to forty. You looked at my hands and wondered who they belong to? Why do they seem to belong to a person who is decades older than you? You wonder if someone has replaced my skin with an alligator’s. There are days when you wonder how you’re an adult and you need an adultier adult to fix the situation, but you are the adultier adult now.

I wonder how I’m in charge of helping the three young beings grow into being adults. It feels overwhelming and exhausting and rewarding all at the same time. I wonder if I’m going to fail? How much will I give to watch them succeed? I know I will never give up, but how much of myself will I have to sacrifice for them?

I feel the same way about my students.

 I know my seniors, for the most part, really don’t give a fuck.

They just want to graduate and get out of school. I grasp that mindset completely. I wanted to do the same thing at their age. But my younger students I work hand in hand with. I try to make sure, as many of them as possible, understand what we are doing and how to create different things. But it’s just so frustrating and demoralizing when some of your students either won’t do the work or lie to their parents and say that I don’t care. I can only do so much. I am only one person. But I will never brush a student aside. I am always willing to help them. I make myself available outside school hours; they have my phone number, and know that they can text me if there’s ever an issue. I just really wish sometimes I could record my classes and show the students who put no effort and how I call them out in class. When I ask them where their assignment is and show their parents the shrug or nonchalant response that I receive. You would think I was asking them to recreate End Game instead of requesting them to put just the tiniest bit of effort into their schoolwork.

I have enough shit on my plate to deal with. I’m not completely sure why I thought being a teacher could be rewarding. Thankfully, transitioning to high school there have been more positive days than bad. However, on days like this, where I already hate myself, I just wonder if it is easier to return to the newsroom. Maybe 2am wake-up calls weren’t truly that bad. 

Bloganuary

What Brings Me Joy

Alexandra Diane
Bloganuary writing prompt
List five things you do for fun.
View all responses

In no order here are my top five things

that bring me joy!

1.) Reading: If I have a good book to read, I am lost to the world. I will tell my husband I am going to bed early. Which to him means he gets to play video games and I am immersing myself into a fantasy world. Reading is my escape from reality. Sometimes I need to go on a wild adventure after spending most of my time locked in a classroom. I am just thankful that my classroom has windows and I get to see the sun. It makes work a little more bearable. I fill my Kindle with self-published authors and love getting fantasy and paranormal recommendations. Bonus points if they are KU and indie authors.

2.) Writing: My favorite thing I do is write. Now, it can be a challenge to find time to write. However, when I can seek time away for myself, I love putting my thoughts on the page. Sometimes those thoughts are a jumbled mess, but as long as I get my thoughts out, I am happy. 

3.) Being outside: My best friend calls me a flower because I need sunshine to keep me happy. I don’t really care what I am doing outside as long as the sun is shining. When I was younger, this meant going to the beach and surfing. In college, it was day drinking in the sand, and now as a parent I spend most of my time outside at a baseball or softball field. Now, with the tiniest one being able to run around and climb things, it means we will be returning to parks. There is just something about sunshine that fills my soul with happiness. I really want a nice patio set so I can read outside burning the sunsets or sneak away and write. But I will take my sunshine however I can get it.

4.) Watching TV/ Movies: Surprise! The TV production teacher likes watching TV/Movies. Right now I enjoy TV shows over movies. I appreciate watching character arcs develop slowly over seasons as opposed to being rushed over a two-hour film. However, when watching movies I love looking for tiny details and beautiful cinematography.  

5.) Spending time with my family: I am a needy human and if I could crawl into my husband’s skin and live there, I would. I love spending time with him and my kids. Watching kids learn and grow, being there for tears and meltdowns. It can be exhausting, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. In my twenties I traveled a lot. But all I could think about was being able to do this with my family and share these moments with my future kids. Now my kids are here and we are exploring our state, going on road trips, and just sharing the positive aspects of life. We want them to grow up to be well adjusted humans. I’m not sure how that’s going to work out but they will have the love for traveling and family connection.