Bloganuary

Because I’m happy…

Depression is a strange thing. For the last month and a half, I have not enjoyed living with myself. I headed to a deep dark place within myself and I didn’t know how to get out. Throughout the day, I was going through the motions, but I was empty inside. I stopped doing my hair. I didn’t care about what I would wear, something was just off. I was quick to anger and my patience was thin. There were times where I wished I could escape myself or lock myself away from all those who I care about so no one would become a victim to my darkness and rage. 

When the new year came, I decided enough was enough. I needed to break the cycle. I didn’t know how, but I figured I could put my energy into something. So I decided to write. I participated in WordPress’s bloganuary, writing on whatever topic they put forward. It was perfect. It got me out of my head and focused my energy into something other than my negative emotions. Even if it was just for a few hours, it was the escape I needed. I could have worked on polishing my manuscript, but I didn’t want to reflect on the negative. Ripping apart my work would not help me feel better. It probably would have allowed the darkness to have a stronger hold. 

Then yesterday, out of nowhere, I woke up, and the darkness had melted away. I felt lighter and more like myself. It’s just strange how one day you wake up and that filling that had been holding you down for so long is gone. Even though it was a relief, it felt like something was missing. However, I was glad for it to be gone. When I got to work, I straightened my hair. One of my students came in and asked if I did something different. I told her “I just straightened it.” and she said “Well it looks really good.” 

My emotions fluctuate throughout the day. A student had a breakdown because others were rude to her. My heart breaks for her sometimes and her emotions usually drag me down with her. But I could keep an even keel. Another student brought me his editing project, and it was so good. I was so proud of him because something just clicked. His work throughout the year had been meh at best. However, yesterday, he sat for the entire class focused on his work. I don’t give out praise easily. It has to be earned from me. And yesterday I could not stop complimenting him on all his hard work. He turned bright red from smiling so hard. The student sat down next to his classmate and told her, “She likes it!” 

Emotions are a fickle beast. I don’t know how long this happy wave will last. But I plan on enjoying it. Life is too short to waste it feeling miserable. 

Bloganuary

Go Sports

What are your favorite sports to watch and play?

I am not a competitive person. However, growing up, my parents required me to participate in a sport. I wasn’t graceful enough for land sports, instead; I lived in the water. Sometimes I wondered if I would transform into a mermaid, but mermaids cannot survive in chlorine. I was a competitive swimmer from the ages of 5 to 18 years old. However, I wasn’t a sprinter; I am too tiny for that! But I could swim forever and my coaches would take advantage of that fact. By the time I reached high school, I no longer wanted to compete. I just wanted to practice. My coaches would tease me. Every time a meet was coming up they would ask me what event I wanted to sign up for, and I would say that one where I don’t leave my bed. I appreciate them allowing me to just come and swim. As an adult, that is what the master teams are, people just swimming. I don’t have time for that yet. But if there is any chance for me to participate in a sport, it will probably have to have a connection to being a mermaid. 

For watching sports, I’m pretty basic. I enjoy watching football, college or professional. I can enjoy the NBA either on television or in person. And until recently, I could only enjoy watching a baseball game live and the beautiful outdoors. Now that I have grown to appreciate the sport, I can watch baseball on TV. I don’t mind watching hockey on the TV but I’d much rather watch it in person. There’s something about hearing them slam into the walls and yell at each other that just doesn’t translate well to television.

There are two sports I can’t watch on TV but absolutely love watching in person, golf and polo. Polo is about the atmosphere and seeing people. It’s about the food and the party that goes on and the 15 seconds of the horse race. And on the opposite end of the spectrum is golf. Golf is way too slow to watch on television and I get jealous of everybody being outdoors in a beautiful location. So that is why I cannot wait for the Honda classic this year. I know they renamed it, but there’s a 95% chance I’ll never call it the new name.

I don’t enjoy playing tennis or watching it. All I can remember from my lessons as a child is my tennis instructor telling me that if God intended me to fly, he would have given me wings. I remember questioning the man and wondering why he would hit the ball so high over my head and one jump to reach it and we got yelled at. Part of me thinks he hated children.

I don’t mind playing pool, but I have to be with a group of friends that I like. However, most of my memories playing pool are of a dear friend who committed suicide. It’s hard to enjoy it since it brings back memories of him. I won’t watch people play it on television. I think I can just leave pool in my twenties.

Some people consider bowling a sport, while others don’t. And I don’t. It has nothing to do with the fact that I absolutely suck at it. I can have bumpers along the lanes and somehow I will still get a gutter ball. Although I am very good at Wii sports bowling.

But if I had the choice, I would rather watch sports live. There’s just something about being caught up in the energy of being at an arena or stadium. Also, it doesn’t hurt that I live in Florida and I’m blessed to watch most sports outdoors since the weather here is perfect.

Bloganuary

My TBR List

Bloganuary writing prompt
What books do you want to read?

Good lord this is a loaded topic. I might as well attach my GoodReads account instead of listing out all. Instead of listing books I want to read, I’ll give you my top five authors I’d like to read more of.

  1. J. L. Jackola: I started following Jackola on twitter and watched her journey as a writer. I am not sure if I found her books first or discovered them because of her tweets. Whichever came first. It doesn’t matter because I am addicted to her books. The Unbound Prophecy trilogy hooked me. Even though there was nearly no spice, I didn’t need it. The love between Violissa and Sinow was more than enough to keep me reading through the other 11 other books related to the prophecy.
  2. Elise Kova: After going through my GoodReads account, I figured out that I have read 22 of Kova’s books and discovered I have six more books to read. The romances that Kova can create mixed in with detailed high fantasy worlds are one of my absolute favorites. Also, it helps that she is a Florida author and I want to support all my Florida people. 
  3. Sylvia Mercedes: I have read 11 of Mercedes’ books and have to read 19 more of her books. Her FMC’s are badass women who kick ass. I enjoy reading the wild adventures and epic journeys she takes her characters on.
  4. L.J. Andrews:  The Broken Kingdoms’ fantasy viking series hooked me on L.J. Andrews books. I have read 7 out of the 9 books in the series and am trying to find room on my kindle to add the last two. I know once I have completed those books I’ll have to dive deep into Dragon Mage, The Djinn Kingdom, or The Lost Relic series.
  5. Demi Winters: Demi Winters is a new author that I discovered on social media. Her viking, fantasy romance kept me up a few nights because I did not want the story to end. I am eagerly awaiting her second book of the Ashen series.

Bloganuary, Mommy Blogs

Family Traditions

Bloganuary writing prompt
Write about a few of your favorite family traditions.

Today’s prompt left me thinking. The task was to write about family traditions, and I struggled to identify what truly was a tradition for my family, the one I created or grew up in. I have friends who spend Christmas day going to the beach to visit the Christmas tree they  set up the night before. I know those who will do an amazing Eggmpics on Easter Sunday. But when I think about my family, I don’t see such wild outlandish events. I know family traditions are not solely about the holidays; however that’s all I can focus on right now. 

I look back at growing up and think about how most holidays are organized around my dad working them. For Thanksgiving, we never ate early. It would genuinely be Thanksgiving Dinner, not a strange linner/brunch thing. My dad would always be home for 4th July. Which was fantastic since my mom did not like lighting off fireworks. She was paranoid we would all explode and die. That is a reasonable fear for a mother to have because I have that now when I watch my tiny pyromaniacs. Opening presents on Christmas day varied each year depending on the day it fell on and what schedule my dad was working. 

But now that I reflect on how my life was organized, growing up, I see that the tradition wasn’t an elaborate display. My family tradition is and has been to value time. It doesn’t matter if it was a hobby, sport, or a career, our parents taught us to put effort into what we do. Wasting our time was not something we did. Time was valuable because there was so little of it. My parents worked hard to provide for us and worked harder, making my brother and I know how loved we were. Family time, of value, was something that my parents stressed. They both grew up in broken families. My mom’s bio-father left when she was in middle and was blissfully absent after her teenage years. My dad’s parents divorced. While my grandmother raised four crazy boys in the north, my grandfather served in the marines and later became a border patrol agent, stationed all over the US. But when my parents became adults they settled states away from their family. The connection broken. All that was left were each other and eventually me and my brother. 

I see this reflected in how my husband and I are raising our kids. When we are not working, we are inseparable. Particularly, because I’m super needy, and lucky to have a husband who doesn’t mind my attention. However, we love spending time with each other. We enjoy many of the same hobbies, share the same taste in music, but we are also comfortable in the silence of each other. With our children, we embrace their hobbies and try to encourage them to seek what brings them happiness. We try not to push our ideas on them however; we guide them into putting the best effort in whatever it is they’re doing. My husband and I want our children to appreciate the time someone spends with them and how they use their own time. Because we can’t get it back. 

Bloganuary

The Other Florida

Bloganuary writing prompt
Name an attraction or town close to home that you still haven’t got around to visiting.

I spent a lot of my twenties day tripping to theme parks and drinking around the world. There was a part of me that wanted to enjoy things I felt like I missed out on as a kid. Now I look back and think about all the natural wonders I could have explored. My parents took us all over the state, embracing what Florida offered outside of Disney and Universal. My father brought my brother and me to the Navy Seal Museum, the Mel Fisher treasure coast, and one I can’t remember the name of. It was a hanger that had WWII planes, military uniforms from the war and a soda jerk. 

Florida is a massive state. It would be impossible to go explore every beautiful place and keep a steady job. When most people think of the sunshine state, they automatically think of Disney World (the best Disney), Miami, and the Keys. However, Florida has so much more to offer. There are many other attractions to explore, like warm mineral springs, to beautiful botanical gardens, equestrian trails, historical war museums and delicious hole in the wall mom and pop restaurants along the way. 

An attraction that I have been interested in recently isn’t just one place, it’s a natural wonder found throughout the more northern and central location of the state. I would like to explore Florida, more specially the underwater caves. It seems out of place to be attracted to fresh water. I have spent my life avoiding bodies of freshwater because of alligators and snakes that live in them. But diving into crystal clear water and exploring a different world is incredibly enchanting. 

Bloganuary

What Brings Me Joy

Bloganuary writing prompt
List five things you do for fun.

In no order here are my top five things

that bring me joy!

1.) Reading: If I have a good book to read, I am lost to the world. I will tell my husband I am going to bed early. Which to him means he gets to play video games and I am immersing myself into a fantasy world. Reading is my escape from reality. Sometimes I need to go on a wild adventure after spending most of my time locked in a classroom. I am just thankful that my classroom has windows and I get to see the sun. It makes work a little more bearable. I fill my Kindle with self-published authors and love getting fantasy and paranormal recommendations. Bonus points if they are KU and indie authors.

2.) Writing: My favorite thing I do is write. Now, it can be a challenge to find time to write. However, when I can seek time away for myself, I love putting my thoughts on the page. Sometimes those thoughts are a jumbled mess, but as long as I get my thoughts out, I am happy. 

3.) Being outside: My best friend calls me a flower because I need sunshine to keep me happy. I don’t really care what I am doing outside as long as the sun is shining. When I was younger, this meant going to the beach and surfing. In college, it was day drinking in the sand, and now as a parent I spend most of my time outside at a baseball or softball field. Now, with the tiniest one being able to run around and climb things, it means we will be returning to parks. There is just something about sunshine that fills my soul with happiness. I really want a nice patio set so I can read outside burning the sunsets or sneak away and write. But I will take my sunshine however I can get it.

4.) Watching TV/ Movies: Surprise! The TV production teacher likes watching TV/Movies. Right now I enjoy TV shows over movies. I appreciate watching character arcs develop slowly over seasons as opposed to being rushed over a two-hour film. However, when watching movies I love looking for tiny details and beautiful cinematography.  

5.) Spending time with my family: I am a needy human and if I could crawl into my husband’s skin and live there, I would. I love spending time with him and my kids. Watching kids learn and grow, being there for tears and meltdowns. It can be exhausting, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. In my twenties I traveled a lot. But all I could think about was being able to do this with my family and share these moments with my future kids. Now my kids are here and we are exploring our state, going on road trips, and just sharing the positive aspects of life. We want them to grow up to be well adjusted humans. I’m not sure how that’s going to work out but they will have the love for traveling and family connection. 

Bloganuary

Dream Job?

Bloganuary writing prompt
What’s your dream job?

My dream job was to be a scriptwriter. To be a showrunner on a fantasy or paranormal television show. I wanted to share my stories with the world and back in 2005, this was the main option. We had blogs and things like that but no way to really share them out like we do now. 

So would I say almost two decades later that my dream job remains the same… yeah, that would be awesome to see my work come to life. However, that’s no longer the only way I can share my stories with the world. I have my blog that people read and I have self-published a book. Which you can pick up on amazon. 

However, I am happy with how things have turned out. I enjoy my life, and I actually like teaching high school students my love and passion for storytelling. So I will not live in the world of what if and relish in the life I have. 

Bloganuary

The College Try

Bloganuary writing prompt
If you could un-invent something, what would it be?

I’m a millennial *queue annoying montage of people saying that over and over again.* But I am and growing up we were force fed the idea that college was our only option for a good life. However, as we know now, our generation is the over educated and grossly underpaid. So when the topic of “If you could un-invent something, what would it be?” was presented, I had a bunch of options run through my head. Did I wish for social media to disappear? Could bombs not been invented? Maybe I wished for AI to vanish? But as I was driving to work, a different thought crossed my mind. I wish the push for college education had never been invented. 

Now I can hear people saying that colleges have been around for hundreds of years. But I am not talking about being rid of higher education. I am talking about the propaganda that college is the only option for a successful future. I’m pretty sure my generation is a prime example of what can go wrong in a short amount of time if we rid ourselves of trades. We have a world filled with consumers and hardly any people who know how to produce. People complain about how hard it is to find someone to fix their AC or plumbing. Well yeah, we were told growing up that those jobs were beneath us. That no one of value should want to work with their hands. But now we’re seeing how untrue that logic is. 

There’s a social media trend discussing how millennials are skipping the midlife crisis phase and jumping right onto “grandparent hobbies.” I mean, do you blame us? We burnt out. We didn’t spend our lives outside like wild men like our parents did. Our parents kept a watchful eye on us because they had the chance to be free. They wanted us to experience opportunities they never had, and the advancement of technology pushed us in that direction. We were the generation of kids who took AP classes and dual enrollment classes, so we had a head start on college. Millennials don’t need to have a midlife crisis. Most of us had one during college or our twenties, as the world fell to shit for the third time. 

Now I look at my gen-z students and see how that process has amplified. Some of the most creative kids are being told they are failures because they don’t test well. However, I am proud of my school because we have a construction and automotive academy. These are amazing opportunities for our students to work with their hands. Also, my program of TV production is another outlet for students to challenge themselves outside of core classes. Within these programs, we are pushing students to earn their certification for the software or skills they have learned. Certifications are being more sought by employers over college degrees. We are giving students the opportunity to obtain them without the high cost they would have to pay if they were an adult trying to earn them. 

The shift in employers’ expectations is giving me hope for the younger generation. May now they will branch out into other professions without the stigma my generation faced. It would be nice to see blue-collar jobs appreciated for their worth. Because if we don’t have HVAC technicians, plumbers, mechanics of any kind, our world will fall apart. We need to encourage students to get out there and get dirty. Not everyone is meant to sit in an office all day. Not everyone is meant to write a twenty-page paper on the meaning of the color red in a film. Some people are meant to build homes, have grease under their fingernails, and make sure the world can still run. We need those people. 

Bloganuary

Burn and Crash

Bloganuary writing prompt
Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?

I’ve been married twice. My first marriage left me with invisible scars. While my ex-husband was a wonderful friend to all, our marriage had its faults. Thus the EX part. Some scars came from verbal abuse. I am, by nature, a klutz. I bump into things; I drop stuff, and most of these problems come from my poor depth perception, not for lack of paying attention. Because of this, I have broken a lot of things I care for and just stuff around the house. By the end of my first marriage, my ex would yell at me to pay attention better, because that is what he blamed me for dropping and breaking our belongings. Either a fight would ensue because I do not handle being yelled at very well, or I would begin to apologize and clean up the mess before he even said something to me. 

That marriage didn’t last. However, the poor depth perception still lingers. 

When my husband and I moved in together, I did a lot of the cooking. I don’t know why he subjected himself to that torture, but he did. Maybe he felt like he was doing penance for his transgression while deployed, or something he did in his past life. But whatever the case may be, he never complained. 

One evening I was cooking. Things were going smoothly. I hadn’t messed up anything. I didn’t attempt to chop off one of my fingers while dicing veggies. And I hadn’t burned whatever the protein was. I don’t remember what I cooked that night, but I remember the timer going off. This is key because once the time went off, I lifted the lid to check on the food. Now I didn’t grab a pot holder because I was used to my old pots and pans that had silicone knobs at the top. This pan did not. It had a metal knob that was hot. It burned my hand, and I dropped it. The lid, made of glass, shattered into a million pieces. 

I was frantic. We had only lived together for a few months, and these pots and pans were new. I started looking for a broom to clean up the mess and was already apologizing before he came into the room.

“Alex, stop.” He said, kneeling down next to me. 

I didn’t stop. I was trying to clean up the mess, and he lifted me off the ground. He took my hand and looked at it. “What happened? Are you okay?”

I felt scared to look at him and focused on the floor. “I grabbed the lid, and it burned me. I’m sorry for breaking the lid.”

“I don’t care about the lid. Are you okay?”

I finally stopped and made eye contact with him.

“Why do you look so scared?” He asked me. 

I’m not sure what was running through my head, but the words just came out. “You’re not going to yell at me?”

Now he looked confused. “Why would I yell at you? Accidents happen. We can get a new lid. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

After we took care of my hand, I explained everything to him about my ex.

It’s strange that even after eight years, I can still feel that moment so intensely. Writing it out gave me a wave of anxiety, but the love I felt in that moment quickly washed away. I knew I loved him before that moment. But that was the moment I knew I wanted to be with him forever. He made me feel safe. He made me feel cared about and seen. I knew then he’d be the person to help me heal from my invisible scars.

Bloganuary

Clutter Attack

Bloganuary writing prompt
Where can you reduce clutter in your life?

Why do I feel attacked by today’s prompt; asking, “Where can you reduce clutter in your life?” and that is how I feel every day of my life. But living with a 11, 6- and 1-year-old in a townhouse not built for that one extra child, rooms get cluttered fast. Especially when the toddler follows behind you, helping you unclean all your hard work. But I know the clutter won’t last. My daughter will one day grow out of her 5 ft tall doll house and my youngest will no longer have a million toys thrown about. Their rooms will soon look like their older brother’s room, with dirty laundry piled up instead of their favorite toys scattered on the floor.

Growing up, there was a little wooden plaque in my parents’ kitchen. On it read a poem about a messy house. I remember reading it as a child, not grasping its meaning. However, now, as a parent myself, those words ring true to me. Now bear with me. I am trying to remember something I haven’t seen in over twenty years. I asked my mom to find it but she isn’t sure where it is. Most likely, halfway through writing this post, she’ll send me a picture and I’ll have to revise EVERYTHING.

So I shall wait….

Wait is over….

Okay, I lied. She found something else.

One is called House Blessing:
Bless the corners of this house
And be the Lintel blest
And bless the hearth and the board
And bless each place of rest.

Bless the door that opens wide
To stranger and to kin
Bless each crystal windowpane
That lets the starlight in.

Bless the rooftree overhead
And every sturdy wall:
Bless the love abounding here…
God bless us one and all.

The other is for the Recipe of a Happy Marriage:
3 cups Love     4 spoons of Hope
2 cups Warmth   2 spoons Tenderness
1 cup Forgiveness   1 pint Faith
1 cup Friends    1 Barrel Laughter

Combine love & warmth
Mix thoroughly with tenderness
Add forgiveness
Blend with friendship & hope
Sprinkle all remaining tenderness
Stir in faith and laughter
Bake with sunshine
Serve daily in generous helpings.


Well now, I am annoyed and I need to find the poem, clipping things so I can finish this post.