I wasn’t prepared to read that word. A word I didn’t expect to see until I was at least in my mid twenties. PREGNANT. I came out of the bathroom with tears in my eyes, holding the most expensive thing I’d pee on.
“Chelsea.” Easton could barely say my name. “Chelsea, what does it say?”
I kept looking down at the one, single word, of doom. Pregnant, at 19. I was a freshman in college. I had my whole life ahead of me. I couldn’t have a child now.
“I don’t understand,” I said, handing him the stick. “We always use protection.”
His eyes widened at the single most life-changing word. “Well, there was that one time at your parents’ house, the condom broke.”
I don’t think my mood has ever changed so fast. “It what?” I seethed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because of this right here.” He waved at me. “I knew you’d be angry.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Yes, I consented to sleeping with my idiot boyfriend but I most certainly did not consent to being impregnated by him. “You’re such a fucking idiot,” I tried not to yell. “If you just told me, I could have taken Plan B. There would be no baby.”
I shook, trying to contain my rage. How could he be so selfish? Everything I planned in my life was about to be robbed from me because he didn’t want me to be upset that a condom broke. Which, why would I be upset? Shit happens and there are pills for accidents like that.
“So, what are you going to do about it?” I guess my ice stare made him change his tune because he immediately followed up with. “I’ll support you in whatever you decide.”
But I knew what I was going to do. The moment he singled me out instead of saying we, I knew I couldn’t attach myself to this child wearing the mask of a grown man for the next 18 years of my life. My decision was going to go against every fiber of my being.
“Well, I can’t keep it.” I said after what felt like an eternity. I despised the relief in his eyes and hated him even more. “Guess we’ll just have to wait until morning to figure out the next steps.”
An hour later, he left the house in search of weed. I knew he had some in the house, but evidently it wasn’t enough to last him through the night. I didn’t smoke, only drank, and even then it wasn’t to get black out drunk. I liked the taste of beer. I tried justifying his actions by rationalizing that I dropped a bomb on him. You know what he left inside of me to destroy everything I worked so hard at?
What was I doing with my life? How did I get wrapped up with such a loser? I pulled out my laptop and typed in the words planned parenthood. I never thought I would type those words in my wildest of nightmares. I had friends who had terminated unexpected pregnancies and saw what it did to their mental state. I thought I was being safe. Not just against pregnancy but diseases as well. How could he be so selfish?
The appointment was two days later. I made his dumb ass take me. I was in no mindset to drive. I probably would have driven off a bridge then to the place to kill my unwanted child. There were people protesting outside calling every woman who walked in a baby killer. Strange, they didn’t throw hate at the men. Apparently, they forgot it takes two to make a baby.
Receptionist room was friendly. Planned Parenthood did more than just terminate unwanted pregnancies. There were flyers about how to get birth control and how to get help on getting your yearly exams. But it didn’t help my mindset. When I filled out the paperwork for what I needed, I waited about 15 minutes before being ushered into a doctor’s office.
The OBGYN smiled at me and asked what brought me there today. I explained what happened to her and, apparently, hearing the truth robbed my boyfriend of his ability to talk. She handed us pamphlets about my options. But she also gave me pamphlets about adoption or how to raise the child at a young age. The doctor kept asking me if I was sure this was my decision. Almost as if she was trying to guide me to keep the child. After I told her, I was sure that this was my decision. They brought me into a room to have an ultrasound to confirm my pregnancy.
I was terrified that seeing the baby would make me change my mind. The woman running the machine smiled at me, almost heartbroken. But what came on the screen was something that I didn’t expect. I didn’t look like a baby. It just looked like a blob of jelly. I thought to myself that if I had wanted this baby, I would be thrilled to see that blob on the screen. However, this was my lifeline. It wasn’t a baby yet. I could do this.
We scheduled the appointment for the following Friday. They only offered terminations on Fridays. The rest of the time, the office was a place for women’s health.
I looked at my calendar on my phone. March 17th would be the luckiest unlucky day for me the rest of my life. This was my one get out of jail free card. Rather than getting drunk with friends on my first St. Patrick’s Day in college, I’ll be purging my body in different ways.
When I got back to my dorm, I called my mom. It was a tough decision, but I needed money. I figured it was better to ask for money now than for the next 18 years. The conversation did not go as I expected. She asked if I was sure and then said she would transfer me the money. However, she wanted me to see our doctor just so I would have a follow up appointment set up.
I went to my OBGYN, who I have known since I was 15. She talked to me about what I was about to endure and asked if I wanted to be on birth control. I told her yes; I don’t want to worry about this again. I had been on birth control once before and I didn’t handle it well. She knew this and said we would try to find what would work best for my body. Before I left, she hugged me. When I walked out of her office, I felt attacked by all the pictures that lined her hall. They were of smiling babies she had delivered.
That Friday came around. I should have been wearing green and getting ready to party with my friends. Instead, I was back in the office listening to men and women outside shout words of hate at me and the four other girls in the waiting room. I couldn’t call us women. I knew one other girl who was there. She was only six months older than me. We all looked scared, as if we would rather be with our moms than the men sitting next to us.
When my name was called, my boyfriend tried to come with me. The nurse told him he wasn’t needed and he could either wait in the lobby or in his vehicle. I think he picked his truck, but I don’t remember. Things went dark and at some point, I talked to an anesthesiologist. I told him I throw up after waking up. He assured me it was just twilight sleep and I will be fine. Eventually, I changed into a gown.
The nurse wheeled me into the producer room. The table looked like a regular OBGYN chair in the middle of a very empty room. There were lights above and beeping machines around the chair. The thing that caught my breath was the drain below the stirrups.
I can do this. I thought as they guided me into the chair.
The anesthesiologist returned and told me to count back from ten. I think I made it to eight.
Then there was true darkness.
Until a loud beeping. My eyes fluttered open, and there was a doctor wearing scrubs between my legs. I couldn’t understand what the staff was saying, but I looked down. Blood circled the drain. The anesthesiologist was at my side holding my hand. He told me, “Just a little longer, go back to sleep.”
I was awake again. Crying in a wheelchair headed to my boyfriend’s car. I held my stomach, whimpering. “I feel like something is missing. I’m empty.”
The nurse patted my head and the idiot responsible for the mess was entirely useless. I wanted my mom. I told him that over and over again. But I don’t remember calling her. I don’t remember the drive home, or getting into bed at his apartment. Thankfully, he was smart enough to take me there and not to my dorm.
I slept for what seemed like forever. It was daylight when we arrived and when I woke, it was nearly nine at night. But I didn’t wake on my own. My body was forcing something out. I went to the bathroom and blood filled the toilet and I panicked. I found the emergency nurse’s number and called. She talked me off a cliff and explained it was just blood clots passing and the surge of pain is the equivalent of going into labor. My body didn’t understand what was happening other than the need to expel what was left inside. She asked if I had the painkillers they gave me and I said “yes.”
“Good,” she sighed. “Now take them and go back to sleep. This will be over soon and it will just feel like a bad dream.”
I walked out of the room and into the small kitchen, looking for water. Easton sat on the couch, holding his bong in his hand high as a kite.
“How are you?” he finally asked.
I shoved two painkillers in my mouth. I was only supposed to take one every eight hours. “Awful, but I’ll survive.”
He looked like a child that just got shamed for drawing on his parents’ walls. “Do you care if I go out with my friends, if you are just going to be sleeping?”
Just going to be sleeping? Sleeping? What the fuck was wrong with this guy? Yes, I made the right decision. I forced a smile because I just wanted him as far away from me as possible. “Do whatever you want.” and I went back to bed.
That summer, a friend of mine and I made a journey to a place called Cassadaga, Florida. It’s a spiritual town, a psychic community. Easton and I had broken up, and I just needed something fun to wash away the broken feeling I had living inside of me.
We went to one psychic, who the community considered the best, and most sought after. My friend and her mother came out of their sessions in tears. They both spoke about how he could communicate with their dead cousin and he allowed them to get closer. I was a skeptic, to be sure. Nothing the man said set my soul on fire, he even told me that I was going to have two and half children. I just laughed. How can someone have two and half children? Just as I was about to walk out of the room, he grabbed my wrist.
“Wait,” his dark eyes glassed over. “Your son wants to tell you he understands why you did what you did. He will wait for you and will come when the time is right.”
A chill cut through my body as the man’s eyes returned to dark brown. “I hope that was the peace you were looking for.” He said as I left.