There are days when I just want to work, not teach, but work. The last few days I have been compiling the 2-hour video premiere showcase thing that my school hosts at the end of the year. It represents the collective work of all the students. Not all but the best of the best. Some aren’t the best of the best but have great moments or highlight students that have put effort throughout the year. But I miss it. I miss just editing and fixing sound. In this case, I didn’t play with the color. I felt it was important that parents should see the color and the video that their kids created. Although I leveled the sound so eardrums didn’t burst and I made sure the audience could hear the words that were recorded.
I started working on an after effects template that highlights pictures students sent me. I wanted the parents to see how much fun their kids are having and realize that their support has been worthwhile.
But I just miss focusing on working.
I try to look at teaching as if I’m training the next set of creators. But somehow I have become a sounding board for my students. 90% of the time I do not mind it. I love listening to gossip and I no longer watch reality television or much TV anymore because the shit they say is highly entertaining. But at the same time, I wish I could just shake them. Tell them everything that they’re freaking out about is not that big of a deal. For the seniors that are graduating. All the drama that they’re facing right now goes away. They are moving on with life to an adult life where nobody cares. The campuses they’re about to enter are massive, so even if they have a former classmate at the same university, they might never see each other.
I just miss working. I miss being creative without having to listen to my students bitch and moan about stuff that I’ve taught them repeatedly. I don’t understand why they can’t just get it through their thick skulls to write it down. I have them fight me tooth and nail to take notes. I look at my desk and it’s covered in sticky notes. I have notebooks filled with information and ways to help me, so I don’t forget things. But my students, dear God, you think I was asking them to run a marathon with a weight strap to their ankles. When I say hey, bring out your notebook and write this down, so when you forget, you don’t have to ask me 15 times.
Today was exhausting. I woke up at 3:00 in the morning with a baby who is teething. He did not fall back asleep until 5:00. I slept through all of my alarms and somehow made it to work on time because of my husband. Thankfully, he took both children to where they needed to go this morning then drove 45 minutes south to work.
I’m just tired. Only 16 school days remain and they will be packed with one exam after another. And I wish I could use those 16 days to show my students how to do something amazing. Instead, even if I tried to do that, the school district is picking up their laptops on Monday. So we will have two weeks of no computers. Which is great for a television production class. I wonder who makes these decisions and if they actually know the stress that they’ve just put on teachers. I doubt they care because most of the people that make these decisions were never in a classroom.
Strangely enough, I looked at teaching as a way to earn my freedom back. Being an adult is so consuming. You work more than you see your family. You spend more time in an office or a cubicle with no windows. And if you’re a teacher, your windows must be covered. You cannot open them to see the sunshine in fear of somebody losing their shit and doing something violent.
But as I sit here in traffic, staring at the sign that tells me two miles to my exit, I am thankful that the universe stopped me. For an hour I stare at the sign, looking up from my book. After today, I needed to shut down. I needed to breathe after the chaos that was the last period of the day. I didn’t want it to be a turned over tractor trailer blocking my exit and I hope everyone involved is okay. But I am grateful for the reprieve. Because I had a chance to sit and think and I know the words that I want to use for the closing credits of our premier show.
Tomorrow I get to go back to editing Angelic Findings. This has been a nice break, but I miss living in that world fleshing everything out.
