Depression is a strange thing. For the last month and a half, I have not enjoyed living with myself. I headed to a deep dark place within myself and I didn’t know how to get out. Throughout the day, I was going through the motions, but I was empty inside. I stopped doing my hair. I didn’t care about what I would wear, something was just off. I was quick to anger and my patience was thin. There were times where I wished I could escape myself or lock myself away from all those who I care about so no one would become a victim to my darkness and rage.
When the new year came, I decided enough was enough. I needed to break the cycle. I didn’t know how, but I figured I could put my energy into something. So I decided to write. I participated in WordPress’s bloganuary, writing on whatever topic they put forward. It was perfect. It got me out of my head and focused my energy into something other than my negative emotions. Even if it was just for a few hours, it was the escape I needed. I could have worked on polishing my manuscript, but I didn’t want to reflect on the negative. Ripping apart my work would not help me feel better. It probably would have allowed the darkness to have a stronger hold.
Then yesterday, out of nowhere, I woke up, and the darkness had melted away. I felt lighter and more like myself. It’s just strange how one day you wake up and that filling that had been holding you down for so long is gone. Even though it was a relief, it felt like something was missing. However, I was glad for it to be gone. When I got to work, I straightened my hair. One of my students came in and asked if I did something different. I told her “I just straightened it.” and she said “Well it looks really good.”
My emotions fluctuate throughout the day. A student had a breakdown because others were rude to her. My heart breaks for her sometimes and her emotions usually drag me down with her. But I could keep an even keel. Another student brought me his editing project, and it was so good. I was so proud of him because something just clicked. His work throughout the year had been meh at best. However, yesterday, he sat for the entire class focused on his work. I don’t give out praise easily. It has to be earned from me. And yesterday I could not stop complimenting him on all his hard work. He turned bright red from smiling so hard. The student sat down next to his classmate and told her, “She likes it!”
Emotions are a fickle beast. I don’t know how long this happy wave will last. But I plan on enjoying it. Life is too short to waste it feeling miserable.